Kaushik
by dontchasethesheep
Summary: Todd visits Gerard years after they left Welton, but his visit is not a happy one.


**Day 8 of Dead Poets Society Rare Pairing Month: Gerard/Steven, Gerard+Todd  
Warnings: discussion of death of another major character**  
**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize**

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Todd Anderson didn't really what to do when people were crying. He never really learned how to comfort someone - God knew his parents never showed him - so he tried to avoid situations involving tears as much as possible, giving emotional people a wide berth (which might have been a little ironic, seeing that he himself was an emotional type of person). But for some unknown reason, Gerard was the exception to the rule.

Todd woke up early that morning, lying in Gerard Pitts' guest room after a very restless sleep. Groaning softly, he reluctantly cracked his eyes open and looked out the window. The sun was still resting underneath the horizon but a faint tint of orange was leaking into the sky, signalling the impending sunrise. Trying to distract himself from the painful, echoing emptiness in his chest and the day that loomed ahead, Todd found himself staring at the suit that hung in the corner, idly wondering whether it was purplish black or blueish black. After long deliberation, he decided it was blueish black and slipped out from under the covers to pad down towards the kitchen. The floor creaked weakly under his bare feet and the sky cast a murky grey light across the hall. In concentrated effort to keep his thoughts away from the upcoming event he was dreading, Todd almost missed Gerard sitting on the couch, his eyes clearly red and watery even from Todd's vantage point. Todd's steps faltered and he considered heading back to his bed before Gerard noticed him. Instead, he entered the living room cautiously, softly calling Gerard' attention.

"Pittsie?" he whispered, the hypocorism he hadn't used in ten years slipping from his mouth without thought.

Gerard didn't look up but jumped slightly, and his hand twitched ever so slightly in acknowledgment. The man sat with his shoulders hunched over, hands clasped on his knees, and for a split second, Todd was transported back to 1959. The last time he had seen Gerard in that position was during the final Dead Poets Society meeting, waiting in tense silence for Cameron to arrive.

"May I sit?" Todd asked, struggling to find something to say, because he knew most of the things he _could_ say were the wrong things.

Gerard nodded his head slightly and Todd slowly sank down onto the chesterfield. "I've been telling people I'm doing good..." Gerard said faintly after a moment, "But I'm not doing very good. I didn't think…" His voice wavered off and he took a shuddering breath.

Gerard made eye contact for the first time that morning and Todd could see his haunted eyes brimming with unshed tears. When their gazes met Gerard let out a squeak and clenched his hands tighter together.

"I… I… wh-why..?" Gerard struggled to speak the words that seemed to be sticking to the back of his throat. He broke away from Todd's gaze and looked up at the ceiling, belatedly trying to hide his tears.

Normally, this would be where Todd made an excuse to leave the room, get someone else to comfort them, but instead, Todd found himself wrapping his arms around his high school friend and allowed Gerard to crumple into him and cling to Todd tightly, tears dampening Todd's pyjamas. Todd embraced his taller frame tightly yet gently, feeling Gerard' shudders reverberate through his body.

"Wh-what… what am I su-supposed to do, Todd?" Gerard hiccuped, voice oscillating. "H-he was there for me when N-Neil… he's supposed to be _here_, not... _dead_."

Todd swallowed thickly. "I'm.. I'm sorry," he said quietly, concentrating on keeping his voice steady, not wanting to let his own grief get in the way.

Todd wasn't sure whether Gerard heard, but it didn't matter. They just held onto each other, until Gerard's sobs ceased (but tears still ran down his face) "I just don't want the sun to rise," Gerard said mournfully.

But it will, Todd thought as the first rays of sun peaked over the trees, heralding the day of Steven Meeks's funeral.

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**I hope that wasn't terrible! If you have time to drop a review, I would really appreciate it :)x**


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